Losing My Religion
by the book lady
Summary: Kurt never used to be an atheist, in fact, he used to be a very strongly believing Christian. But that all changed when his mother fell ill. Kurt tells Blaine about his mom's death, and why it's the reason he can't believe in God anymore.


**A/N so this is something I wrote when I was messing around with a random prompt generator which gives you an amount of time to spend writing, a style or POV, and a word for inspiration. I got 30mins/stream of consciousness/faith. Originally, this was just Kurt's thoughts and I was going to post it like that but I decided it would be better if I turned it into a conversation type thing. I hope it turned out okay. Enjoy! **

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><p>"Kurt, why don't you believe in God?" Blaine had asked randomly one day while they cuddled in the darkness of his bedroom. They were both just shocked at the question as the other, and Blaine couldn't give a reason as to why he had asked it. "Oh my goodness, Kurt. That was way out of line. I'm so sorry," Blaine babbled. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. We can forget I ever asked it." He didn't notice that Kurt had gone stiff in his arms.<p>

"Kurt?" Blaine questioned.

"No, it's fine." Kurt said unexpectedly. "I think, I think I'm ready to tell the story." He shifted in Blaine's arms so he was facing the ceiling and not looking into Blaine's eyes.

"I know life isn't fair sometimes," He started, swallowing heavily. "It isn't fair _most _times, and I guess that might be a reason why giving up on God could be considered unfair. But when I was younger life was so much easier. I had my mom to be there for me. She understood me, and God just took her away. My mom was a religious woman. She believed her God was good, understanding. She always encouraged my dad and I to pray with her before meals and to attend church service on Sundays. The stories they told of angels fascinated me, and I liked the idea of a beautiful place where you could go when you died. Soon enough I went to church with enthusiasm. I was actively involved in the Wednesday night church groups and I sang in the children's choir. I loved God and I couldn't thank my mom enough for introducing me to him.

Then everything changed." Kurt gulped and brushed at his eyes to dispel the tears that had gathered and were threatening to fall. Blaine's arms tightened around his waist and he squeezed his hands for comfort but he remained silent. Blaine knew Kurt just needed to get through this and would want to save talking for after he finished.

"My mom was diagnosed with cancer." This, Blaine knew, but he didn't know to what extent. Kurt didn't really like to talk about his mother's death. The first time he had really opened up to Blaine about his mom was shortly after they started dating. He had explained why he chose 'Blackbird' to sing for Pavarotti, telling him about how his mother had always listened to a lot of Beatles music and how 'Here Comes the Sun' and 'Blackbird' were always the songs he had listened to for comfort shortly after he death. "There was a tumor in her brain," Kurt continued, breaking Blaine's train of thought. "and the doctors claimed that there was nothing they could do. In church I was taught that when you can't do anything it is best to put the situation in God's hands. So I prayed. I prayed night and day for as long and hard as I could. I pleaded with God. I did not want my mom to die. I thought that God would fix everything.

I was, I was w-wrong." Kurt stuttered a little and wiped at his eyes again but his efforts were fruitless against his tears. _He's so strong_ Blaine marveled. He knew how hard this was for Kurt, but he was so proud of the insane amount of courage his boyfriend had.

"My mom's condition worsened. The tumor was growing and it was affecting her motor skills. She couldn't move like she used to. Her movements were uncontrolled and random. I asked God why he did this to her. I asked if she had done something wrong to deserve this. I tried to redeem my mom in his eyes. I told of all the great things she had done in hopes that he would, I don't know change his mind or something, and just let her alone. Again, I was wrong.

A few days later her condition was even worse. She had no control of her body below her shoulders and she could barely talk. It was awful to see my beautiful, musical, well spoken mom reduced to something as low as this. That night I cried while I prayed. I told God that I needed her. That he couldn't take her away from me.

Still, my prayers went unanswered.

My mom died in her sleep that night." Kurt hiccupped. "When my dad told me I was heartbroken. I locked myself in my room for the next couple days, refusing to eat or sleep. All I wanted to do was cry. I think I forgot my unanswered prayers for the moment simply because of how painful her death actually was. Nothing seemed real after that. It was like I was suspended somewhere in between reality and sub-consciousness. I didn't really understand anything that was going on. My mind just shut down. It was how I coped with things, I guess.

It wasn't until my mom's funeral that I realized God had done this to her. When the priest asked us to bow our heads in prayer I had shrieked out in protest. I screamed at the heavens. Blaming God, her God, for all of this. I told our friends and family how I had prayed so, so many times and God left me unanswered. I broke down and sobbed next to her coffin. Everyone was looking at me with so much pity in their eyes and even as an eight year old I realized this. I didn't want their pity. I told my dad that I wanted everyone to leave. I think he told me that that wasn't fair to everybody. Something about how they were sad too. What a sight I must have been, a young boy dressed in his finest black clothes, wallowing around on the ground next to his mother's coffin, screaming angrily up to the heavens and begging to be left alone with a red and tear stained face. I think my reaction to the prayer made people want to leave. Later my dad told me that everyone had cleared out then, saying how they thought it might still be a little early for a funeral given the state I was in. " Kurt let out a mirthful chuckle. Blaine could vividly imagine him, a heartbroken and betrayed little boy crying for the loss of someone he loved. It broke his heart. Without realizing it he curled closer around Kurt, more for his own comfort than anything. He hated that someone so wonderful, so beautiful as Kurt had gone through so much so young. It wasn't fair.

"It was just us when they lowered the coffin into the ground." Kurt said with a faraway look in his eyes. "That was it. The last time I'd ever see her again. It wasn't fair, what God had done to her. I hated him for what he had done to her, to us. It was that day that I stopped believing in him. I had every reason to. He failed me at a time where I needed him most, and I could not forgive him for that. " And even though Blaine believed in God he felt himself nodding along in agreement because really, who could forgive someone for something like that?

I guess that now it's clear to me that if God does exist then he hates me. All the bullying is his fault because apparently God hates gays. I missed my mom so much last year during all the Karofsky drama. She would have known what to do. How to deal with it. I think that if she were still alive I might still believe in God despite what the bullies say he thinks of people like us." Kurt's voice was quiet and Blaine thought that in the dim lighting of his bedroom Kurt looked more vulnerable than ever. "But she isn't." His voice shook with the effort of keeping the tears and sobs at bay. The way he said it, it almost sounded like he was just hearing the news that had broken his heart so many years ago. It hurt Blaine to see the man he loved in so much pain. "She isn't alive because God is a cruel, cruel man." His anguish had turned to anger, but it was short lived. As Kurt finished his story it was obvious his pain was too strong for anger at the moment. "I felt betrayed, and I was done with him."

Then he let the tears flow free. He turned and buried his head in Blaine's shoulder and just sobbed. He cried because he missed his mom. He cried because he had been let down by a man he thought he could trust. He cried because it was too late, and there was nothing he could do. Nothing he _ever _could do.

"Shh…" Blaine soothed, rubbing a comforting hand across Kurt's back. "I love you _so _much, Kurt. Thank you for sharing that with me. That took a lot of courage. You're so _brave, _baby."

"You really think so?" Kurt asked hopefully, his eyes shining with tears as crystalline blue met deep hazel.

"Of course I do." Blaine smiled, and just like that Kurt knew that he may not have the reassuring benefit of an almighty being looking out for him, but he had Blaine. Amazing, sweet, gorgeous Blaine who loved him more than anything, who would always be there for him, who would never let him down. And that was all he needed.

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><p><strong>AN Did you like? Drop a review, please! Oh! And I'm on Tumblr now! my url is jcsviolin so come follow me and I'll follow you! It's too lonely over there right now. **


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